You Aren't In Charge of Your Life

When I came up with the title of this article, I nearly changed it because I thought it might be too off-putting. I don’t want it to be misinterpreted. This isn’t some thinkpiece claiming that no one is responsible for their actions because it’s all someone else’s fault. And it isn’t a defeatist manifesto that’s going to tell you that our lives are pre-determined, so there’s no point in trying to change them. No, this article is something else. But to be honest, I’m still not sure that it’s going to be any less off-putting.

My central argument this week is simply this: We are not qualified to be in charge of our own lives.

As a recovering control freak myself, I can understand why some people may not like a statement like that. It’s scary, frustrating, and maybe even downright offensive at first. But it’s true, and if you stick with me, I hope you’ll see why.

We all like to think we’re in control. Like we’re the masters of our own destiny. Like we can change things if we want to. Growing up, we’re told, “You can be anything you want to be!” And we choose to believe it. Because at the end of the day, we don’t want anyone or anything else dictating what we do. We want to be our own bosses.

And this sort of attitude is praised in our culture. We idolize rugged, independent types who pave their own paths. We love hearing success stories of entrepreneurs who do whatever it takes to work for themselves. We buy into the American dream that anyone can choose to be anything if they’ll just put their minds to it and work hard. But what if this quest for independence and control is actually misguided?

After all, for every success story, there are at least a dozen that start the same way but end in failure. The truth is that our own judgment isn’t always the best, and when we try too hard to maintain control, we often get ourselves into some bad situations. Even the smartest among us can become blinded by passion to achieve a goal and end up losing everything in the pursuit.

We’re pretty good at declaring what we want, but we’re not so good at discerning whether or not those things are actually good for us. We set our sights on our desires and chase after them with little regard for our long-term wellbeing or the good of those around us. In all honesty, our success rate at choosing the things that are best for us is pretty low.

I’m sorry if this sounds pessimistic. I’m not trying to be. It’s just a reality of our fallen state. Our minds are wonderful gifts from God, but they’re also imperfect. And I think that if we each reflect on our own experiences with trying to make big life decisions on our own, we can agree that we don’t always make the best choices.

Which is why we’re not supposed to be making these sorts of decisions ourselves. We were never made to be in charge of our own lives because we aren’t qualified to be. We’re imperfect, and we make imperfect decisions that put is in bad spots and hurt those around us. Not all of the time, mind you, but enough of the time that we shouldn’t be the ones calling the shots.

The truth is that there’s only one person qualified to be in charge of our lives, and that’s God. He has a 100% success rate when it comes to making the right decisions. He sees the big picture. And he knows exactly what’s right for us even when we can’t see it. He alone has the right to set the path for our lives.

And if we recognize this, why wouldn’t we want to put God in charge? What could possibly hold us back from following his will for us other than our own pride? In reality, that’s the biggest thing standing between us and the perfect plan God has for us. We don’t like to give up control. But once we’re willing to recognize our own inadequacy and humble ourselves, we come to the conclusion that submitting to God’s will is the best thing we could do. Because he has the best in mind for us, even if it isn’t necessarily what we expect.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t encourage people to pursue their dreams or tell kids that they can be anything they put their minds to. We should. But we have to do so within the context of God’s will. Because left to our own devices, we get distracted and choose to chase after things that aren’t right for us. Things that aren’t good for us. Things that are outside of God’s plan for us. And that’s when we really get into trouble.

So let’s do ourselves a favor and just admit that we don’t need to be in charge. When we give control over to God, we’re taking the first step towards the wonderful life that he has in store for us. Of course, there’s a lot more to it than that. Once you’re ready to follow God’s will, you have to actually figure out what that is, and we’ll get into that next week. But if you find yourself ready to give up on blazing your own path and follow God’s, then congratulations! You’re well on your way.

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Special note: Next week, I'll be debuting an opportunity for you, my readers, to support this blog financially with a small monthly pledge. If you enjoy reading these posts each week and feel that they add value to your life, I hope you'll consider supporting my writing in this new way. Plus, you'll get special rewards if you decide to sign up! If you'd like a preview of what to expect, you can see a demo here. I appreciate your consideration, and as always, thank you for reading, sharing, and offering feedback week after week. It means the world to me. I'll see you next week.

Wedding Website

Hey, friends! I'm sorry for breaking my regular posting schedule. I know you're not used to hearing from me on a Monday. I just wanted to let you know that Katherine and I are launching our wedding website, itsadundeel.com, today! That's where we'll be posting updates and details as we plan our wedding, so if you're interested in keeping up with all of that, be sure to check it out.

That's all for today. I'll see you back here tomorrow for a regularly-scheduled blog post!

I'm Engaged!

Hey, friends! I wasn't able to write up a full article this week because I've been a little busy with a side project: planning a proposal! I put together an Easter egg hunt for my and Katherine's families on Sunday, and at the end, I asked her to marry me. She said yes!

You read that right. We're getting married! I'll put a few pictures from the proposal below, and I'll be sure to keep you posted throughout this entire process. This is something I've been dreaming about my whole life, and now that it's all happening, I couldn't be more excited!

Be on the lookout for more updates from me and Katherine in the near future, and be sure to check back here next week for a regular blog post. Have a great week, friends!

The Things that Don't Go Away

Last week, we talked about impermanence, the fact that nothing in this world remains the same over time. And it’s true that nothing we see or feel or create will last forever. But I hope I didn’t oversell impermanence to you, because there actually is at least one thing that will last forever: us.

We aren’t completely immune to the effects of change. After all, our bodies grow and develop over time, and our personalities change as well. But there is something core to each of us that remains throughout all of the growing, changing, and developing we go through. In my faith tradition, we call it the human soul. There are other words for it: true self, identity, essence.

Regardless of what you call it, it’s undeniable that there is something inside each of us that makes us who we are and does not change. That’s why you don’t call someone by a different name just because they grow a few inches or suddenly decide to change hobbies. That something is permanent, eternal endless. And it can be affected in profound ways by certain things. I thought that this week, we might talk about a few of them.

One of the things that sticks with us is the lessons we learn along the way. Whether it be through personal experience, study, passed-down wisdom, or observing others, we each pick up on certain truths as we go through life. These lessons shape us into who we are and change the way we interact with the world and with others. Sometimes, we learn a lesson that completely alters the trajectory of our lives. Other times, we learn tiny lessons that have more subtle, but nonetheless real, impacts. Regardless, these lessons are a part of who we are, and they go with us as we grow and change, and even when we die.

Another thing that sticks with us is grace, both the grace shown to us by others and the grace we ourselves choose to show. When someone gives us a gift or forgives us for something when we don’t deserve it, it shows us how deeply good humanity can be. And when we do the same for others, we share in that goodness in a powerful way. Grace makes us into more grateful, compassionate, empathetic people. In a word, it makes us better. And in that way, it has a permanent effect.

Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention what I consider to be the greatest act of grace in all of the history: the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Jesus’ grace towards me has changed the way I live my life now as well as my eternal trajectory, and this one act has done so for millions of others, too. If you ever wonder what grace is or what it can do, Jesus is the perfect example to look to, and we would all do well to live into that grace and practice it in the way that he did.

Finally, love is the thing we do that has the most lasting impact of all. Loving others and being loved by them changes us at a fundamental level. Feeling loved by family, friends, and community allows us to feel secure and to be our truest selves. And loving others teaches us to sacrifice and give of ourselves in order to improve the lives of others. Love is the most wonderful and powerful thing that we humans can do, and when we choose to love, we are making an investment in people that will last forever.

So if you were a little discouraged by my explanation of impermanence last week, take heart. You do have an opportunity to do something that lasts forever, just not in the ways you might usually think. By sharing lessons, grace, and love with others, you can impact and form them in ways that will last far longer than anything you could ever earn or make. Because these things last an eternity, and what could be more meaningful than that?

This Too Shall Pass

There once was a Persian king who gave his wise men the most difficult of tasks: Come up with a statement that will always be true, no matter the circumstance, and inscribe it on a ring. This way, he could wear the ring and turn to it in times of uncertainty. After much time and consideration, the wise men came up with what they believed to be the universal statement, and they had it inscribed on the king’s ring. Excitedly, he placed the ring upon his finger and examined it to find out what his wise men had shared. And here’s what it said:

“This, too, shall pass.”

I’m not sure where that fable comes from. (I’m going to be honest: I got it from Sadie Robertson’s Instagram page.) And it doesn’t tell us what the king thought of the truth that his wise men brought to him. Maybe he was pleased with what it said because he took comfort in it. Or maybe he was enraged by his servant’s audacity to claim his reign wouldn’t last. Maybe he was scared by the truth of what his ring said. I don’t know. But I know that the more I think about their statement, the more I realize its truth. And its power.

Everyone knows deep down that nothing in this life is permanent. No circumstance lasts forever. No possession stays within grasp. And no person or connection remains unchanged for long. We live in a world of impermanence. Everything we have, everything we see, and everything we think makes us who we are will one day be gone. Even the very cells that make up our bodies are constantly dying and being replaced. Literally nothing we perceive lasts forever.

Most of us don’t like to think about that. Especially in the Western world, we tend to look at ourselves, our accomplishments, our possessions, and our ways of doing things and think, “This will last forever.” We try to accomplish goals and build monuments to leave our mark on the world and create something that will overcome the impending decay. But as Eastern wisdom has always known, and as human experience has come to teach us, there is no escaping death, irrelevance, or being forgotten. It happens to everyone and everything.

And though it might be jarring to recognize at first, this truth is actually quite comforting. It’s a reminder that the situation we find ourselves in at this moment is not where we’ll be for the rest of our lives. Our experiences are ethereal; they come, and they go. If you’re hurting, you can hope in the fact that you won’t hurt forever. If you’re disappointed or frustrated or unfulfilled or angry or just plain tired, don’t get bogged down in thinking that life has to be this way. This, too, shall pass.

This recognition that the way things are isn’t the way things have to be can both spur us to create change and allow us to accept the things we can’t change. When we overcome the tendency towards defeatism, we see that there are things about our circumstances that are within our power to change: our attitude, our reactions, our outlook. And that makes it easier to tolerate the things we don’t like but can’t change, and to trust that those things will change naturally in time.

But there’s a flip side to this truth as well: If the bad things will inevitably pass, so will the good things. If we’re lucky, we can remember a time in our lives when we were happy, care-free, and completely fulfilled. But most of us probably aren’t there now, and none of us can live in that place full-time. Because as great as life can be at times, something always sneaks in and causes issues.

This should inspire us to practice humility. When we are successful and things are going well, we must remember that they won’t always be this way. We can’t let our own pride trick us into thinking that we can always be happy. We can’t be. But if we recognize in the midst of our happiness that it isn’t going to last forever, we can at least enjoy it without becoming distraught whenever it does inevitably go away.

The key, I think, is found in the practice of non-attachment. It’s not that we don’t enjoy the good things in life or dislike the bad things. It’s that we don’t become too attached to any of those feelings, or for that matter, the things that cause those feelings. We can experience the highs and the lows of life in such a way that we aren’t so affected by them that they control us. We stay in control by keeping ourselves in check, and that is accomplished through remembering this simple truth.

As the band OK Go says in their catchy song (and impressive music video), “Let it go. This, too, shall pass.” That statement applies to both the bad things we experience and the good. The truth is that everything is going to change eventually. So we can’t cling to anything, lest it go away and we be left with nothing. But we can’t become completely detached from the world, either. Instead, we can hold on to things loosely, fully experiencing and being affected by them while recognizing that they will soon go away.

No matter where you find yourself, whether it’s in a good place or a bad place, I hope this post is encouraging to you. I’ve been intentional about practicing non-attachment in my own life for several years and found it to be incredibly helpful. Maybe you will, too. Just remember that no matter what you’re going through, whether you love it or hate it, it’s not going to stay the same forever. After all, this, too, shall pass.