The Real Cuss Words

Cussing. Swearing. Using wordy-dirds. Or as Captain America puts it, “Language!” Whatever you call it, profanity is a contentious topic. Some people balk at any reference to four-letter words, while others sprinkle them into conversation without missing a beat. Most people don’t even notice if a naughty word or two gets thrown around during a movie, but I know some who invest in special TV equipment just for filtering out foul language. They make some adults blush, most children giggle, and every stubbed toe feel just a little bit better. (Don’t act like you’ve never said one, at least in your head.)

And everyone has their own idea of what a cuss word is. We each have a list in our heads of words we’ll never, ever say, at least not in public. Is it OK to make references to profane words, maybe just by saying the first letter? What about writing out the first and last letters with funny characters in the middle? I’m sure most of us have used a word at some point that horrified a friend or family member who considered it a cuss word when we had no idea. It seems like we spend a lot of time thinking about and potentially trying to avoid this subjective list of words that have been deemed “bad” by society.

But what really makes these words bad, anyway? Sure, they’re impolite in many social circumstances. Some might even call them offensive. You probably wouldn’t use them in front of your grandma. And you certainly don’t want to say them in front of children who don’t understand how to read a room before opening their mouths. But is there anything about the words we consider “cuss words” that makes them innately negative or destructive?

I’m not trying to make light of these words or those who have strong opinions about them. I understand the inclination to avoid them. But lately, I’ve started to wonder if we’re focusing our attention on the wrong kinds of words. Because I’ve noticed that the people who spend the most time avoiding cussing tend to be the most likely to overlook something a lot more dangerous: slurs.

Slurs are words that are used to demean, dehumanize, or otherwise disrespect a human being or group of human beings, usually based on some sort of stereotype. For the sake of decency, I won’t give you a list, but you can probably think of a few yourself. These words are objectively, morally reprehensible because they are created and used to be hurtful. Their intention is to cause harm to someone else, something we all know that language can do. In short, these words are hateful, and that is what makes them bad words.

I’ll give one example, and I hope I handle it tastefully. I have been horrified by the rampant, relentless use in our culture of the r word. Originally used as a medical term to refer to someone with an intellectual disability, this word has been hijacked by popular culture and used to refer to someone who is stupid, foolish, or nonsensical. And that misappropriation, that use of the term as a way to insult another person, has rendered it a slur.

Many of us are privileged enough to have no experience whatsoever with the feelings of marginalization and devaluation that come with being identified with a word that’s used as a slur, and so it’s hard for us to picture what that’s like. But I’m asking you to try. Imagine that there was a word that described a characteristic that you did not choose and could not change. Something that made you different. Something that was a part of your identity that you could not get rid of. And then someone else, who doesn’t have that characteristic and experience, comes along and starts using that word in place of the word “idiot.” How would that make you feel? When I think about it, it makes me feel pretty low.

I’m not saying that people who use the r word mean to be hurtful by using it. They probably just picked it up from someone else and started using it without thinking about what it actually means. But here’s the thing: It doesn’t matter your intention. A slur is a slur, and it’s immensely hurtful to those affected by it.

We don’t have the right to look at someone who’s already had a rough go of it and say, “Your experience doesn’t matter. Only mine does.” That word doesn’t belong to us; it belongs to them. And when we take it and misapply it, it is an attack on the identities and self-esteems of people who have struggled enough as it is. People who have done nothing wrong. People who deserve our consideration and respect.

It’s an exercise in empathy, and that’s not an easy thing to do. I understand that. But if we’re going to be good, kind, loving people, monitoring our language and removing hate speech is a part of that. You can’t claim to love someone if you’re harming and marginalizing them with your words at the same time. Being sympathetic means recognizing the experiences of others as equally valuable as your own, and sometimes, that means adjusting the words you use to make the world a more welcoming place for others.

The r word is just one example, by the way. There are countless more, and we all use them, even if we don’t know it. It was recently brought to my attention that my use of the word “lame” to describe something that’s boring or disappointing is actually an ableist slur. At first, I thought (like many of you might have just now), “That’s ridiculous!” But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that using that word could make someone who’s disabled feel like they’re a bore or a disappointment, and I would never want to do that. Would you?

Some might ask, “If we start down this road of monitoring our language, when will it end?” And here’s my answer: It’ll end when we’ve removed every single insensitive, hateful slur from our language. Every last one. They have no place in decent society, and it’s wrong for us to participate in the marginalization of others. It may not matter that much to you because it doesn’t affect you or your loved ones personally, but it’s a daily struggle for those who’ve already been mistreated and cast aside already, as well as countless others who love them.

Ableism. Racism. Sexism. Classism. Ageism. We communicate all of these biases and more when we use slurs in our everyday language. I for one am committed to removing all of them from my speech, and I hope you will be, too. Avoiding cuss words is great if that’s what you feel led to do, but if you continue to allow this sort of hate speech into your conversation, then you’re still using bad words. Let’s agree to work together and remove them all, shall we?

It's the Nice Ones

It’s something that seems to be happening more and more these days. Maybe it’s happened to you. It certainly has to me a few times. You’re having a conversation with someone, maybe even someone you know quite well, and everything’s going along fine until suddenly, out of the blue, they say something so uncharacteristically hateful that you’re absolutely floored. Flabbergasted. Shocked and at a loss for words.

It’s not directed towards you, of course. After all, this person is perfectly polite and seemingly decent. It could be about a foreign country, people of a specific sexual orientation, a celebrity, a certain race, another religion, a politician, some socioeconomic group, or any other number of people. The subject doesn’t really matter. Regardless of the targeted individual or group, the person says something so biased, so ignorant, and so heartless that you just can’t believe that it came out of the mouth of someone you thought you respected.

It hurts. It’s jarring in a way that’s difficult to describe. It almost feels like the person reared back and punched you in the stomach, but they didn’t. There they are, standing there, looking normal as ever. Acting like they didn’t just say the most abhorrent thing you’ve heard in recent memory. And it makes you wonder, “How could a person who seems so decent and kind be this misguided and hateful in this one area?”

These experiences are painful because they induce cognitive dissonance. There’s a disconnect between what we expect from reality and what we actually experience. When we know someone to be a good person most of the time, we expect them to be a good person all of the time. And let’s be honest: It’s usually those we consider the best who let us down the most. When they act in a way that isn’t fitting for a good person, it messes with our heads in a big way.

Really, it comes down to this: We struggle to understand how the same person can be both compassionate and hateful, how they can have such light and darkness inside of them at the same time. When we see it out in the world, it horrifies us. But have we ever stopped to consider that maybe this dichotomy between love and hatred exists in all of us?

I’ve found that the more I commit myself to practicing compassion, the more I recognize the darkness inside of me. As I seek to expand my love for others to include more and more people, I run into problem areas where my more primitive side fights back against my desire to show compassion. It’s easy to show love to those close to me, and even to strangers, but what about the people I hate? What about the people I disagree with? What about the people who I feel like are making the world a significantly worse place for everyone else? The truth is that I’m not always faithful to show compassion to them.

From time to time, I find myself surprised and horrified by my own capacity for hatefulness. Especially in our current political climate, it is far too easy to demonize other people, decide that they aren’t worth our consideration, and dismiss them as worthless. I’ve been guilty of this myself, and I’ve had to repent of some of the things I’ve said about others. It’s not that my disagreement with them changes; it’s that I choose to recognize them as people, even if they are bad people, and show them the consideration every person deserves.

Compassion is a wonderful thing, and we’re all called to practice it. But if we ever feel like we’ve fully mastered it, then we’ve actually fallen into the trap of self-righteousness, and we’re destined for a fall. We can’t let our compassion lead us to become complacent or judgmental of those who aren’t compassionate. The truth is that we each have the capacity for darkness inside of us. We can all do better. And so we’re each called to wake up every morning and decide to love others a little bit better today than we did yesterday. If we aren’t actively working to improve, then we’re allowing hate to creep back in.

And if we aren’t careful, we may one day find ourselves looking in the face of a horrified friend as they see the darkness inside of us reflected in something that we’ve said or done. I’m committing myself to do the work to ensure that something like that never happens again, and my encouragement to you this week is that you’ll make that commitment, too. We can all do better at practicing compassion. Will you do what it takes?

Self-Love Is Hard Sometimes

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” —Jesus (Mark 12.31)

In a piece a few weeks ago, I noted that loving ourselves is a prerequisite for us being able to love others. I didn’t say much, but I thought it was enough to get the point across so that I could move on. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that this topic deserves more than just a note buried in a blog post in my archive. Because it’s important, and I think it’s something we all struggle with from time to time. I know I have. So this week, I want to dedicate my entire article to this concept of self-love and its importance in our lives.

Growing up, we receive a lot of mixed messages about the way we’re supposed to approach our own self-image. We’re taught that we should love and admire ourselves just the way we are, but also that we shouldn’t be prideful or conceited. We need to value and appreciate ourselves, but we’re supposed to be sacrificial and put others first, too. “Love yourself, but not too much,” the world tells us. And while I think there’s some value to these well-meaning messages, they often leave us confused. Maybe even lost. And in the process, we can end up losing our entire sense of self-worth.

This is a true shame. When we aren’t able to love ourselves, we miss out on many of the great things of life. We can’t foster healthy, reciprocal relationships with others. We can’t excel in our careers and hobbies. And we can’t connect with God in realistic, enriching ways. We can’t do any of these things because we’re too caught up in ourselves, our insecurities, and our unfulfilled needs to live the abundant life God has for us.

Perhaps worst of all, when we don’t love ourselves, we can’t love others. The great commandment tells us to love others as we love ourselves. It doesn’t say “more than” ourselves. Or “instead of” ourselves. It says we should love others as we love ourselves, which means that self-love is necessary for loving others. The truth is that no matter what, we’re always going love ourselves better than we love anybody else. It’s human nature. So if we can’t love ourselves, how can we expect to be able to love anybody else?

Loving ourselves can be hard for a lot of different reasons. Maybe we don’t like the way we look. Maybe we’re dissatisfied with where we are in life. Maybe we’ve made decisions that we aren’t proud of, and they change the way we view ourselves. All of these things can harm our self-image and eventually interfere with our ability to like ourselves, even to love ourselves.

But the truth is that self-love, like any other kind of love, can’t be based on anything superficial. It can’t be based on something a person does, the way they look, or their position in life. Love is rooted in identity, who a person is. And self-love is no different. We’re supposed to love ourselves not because we’re perfect or successful or anything else. We’re supposed to love ourselves because we’re people created in the image of a God who loves us. That’s where our identity, our value, our self-worth, and ultimately our self-love come from.

By the way, that’s where love of others comes from, too. Right now, my big mantra is, “People are people.” And that’s why we love and value them. Because they’re people created in the image of God and loved by him. So if we can’t recognize that about ourselves and apply it in a way that allows us to love ourselves, we can’t possibly do that for others.

I’m not saying that it’s always easy. Even I struggle with self-worth and self-love from time to time. But that’s why we have to have a realistic view of ourselves in order to love ourselves well. Just like you truly can’t love someone you don’t know, you can’t love yourself until you strip away all of the extra stuff, look yourself right in the face, and choose to love what you see. You may be broken. You may have made some mistakes. You may not even like where you are in life. But you are created in God’s image; you are loved by him. And that’s more than enough reason to love yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with needing help from time to time, either. When we struggle to love ourselves, sometimes we need a reminder of who we are. And those who love us are more than happy to come alongside us and see us through the dark times until we’re able to love ourselves again. It may be scary to reach out and ask for help, but when we do, we often find that it’s been there waiting the entire time.

And once we love ourselves well, we’re free and able to love others. We can see their value and cherish them for who they are because we’ve already gone through that process ourselves. We can follow the command to love others as ourselves, and we can love others well because we’ve learned to love ourselves well. And that, friends, is a beautiful thing. It’s my hope for myself and for each of you that we get to a place where we can love ourselves for who we are and then extend that love to others as Jesus taught us. May it be so.

Black Panther

It’s been a while since I’ve done a blog post about a movie. I must admit that it wasn’t my original plan to be writing about Black Panther this week, but it was so good and so impactful that I just couldn’t help myself. It shook me to my core. (One might even describe me as “shook.”) And so here I am again, writing to you about some superhero movie you may or may not have heard of.

But this won’t be a traditional movie review. I’m not really here to tell you what I liked or didn’t like about the film. I’m not going to analyze the visuals, the music, or even the plot, really. I’m here to tell you why this movie is important and why you should see it even if the superhero genre isn’t your thing. Because as much as Black Panther is an excellent superhero movie and a good movie in general, it’s also just good. It’s good for your soul. It’s good for the world. It’s good for humanity. And it matters.

To me, Black Panther sets itself apart by speaking deeply into some really important issues.

Oppression

The first thing you’ll notice about Black Panther is that it is a black movie. It was created by black artists, features black actors (including one playing a black superhero!), and portrays black lives in rich and full ways. And unfortunately, an important part of black experience is oppression.

If you’re unaware of the global, historical oppression of African peoples and their descendants, or if you think it’s good to get a refresher from time to time, this film is for you. From the modern-day streets of Oakland to the historical African savannah, Black Panther takes a wholistic view of oppression in a way that I’ve never seen on film before. It’s upfront, sympathetic, and real. It helped open my eyes to just how big a problem this sort of oppression is, and I think that’s something we all need.

Privilege

On the flip side, the film also spends a lot of time dealing with the concept of privilege. Where does it come from? What are its effects? What responsibilities come along with privilege, especially when it comes to the question of how one relates to those who are oppressed? The main character in the film finds himself in quite possibly the most privileged position in the world, and the arc of the film follows his process of figuring out what to do with it. As someone who also comes from a background of privilege, I related to T’Challa’s internal struggle and found it convicting to watch onscreen.

Isolationism

But his journey isn’t just a personal one; it plays out on a national level as well. If you know anything about the character of Black Panther, you know that he comes from the secretive African nation of Wakanda. In order to protect itself and its resources, Wakanda poses as a third-world country and refuses to interact with the rest of the world. This can’t last forever, though, and as the world gets smaller and smaller, Wakanda is forced to consider in what ways (if any) it will engage with the rest of the world. We in the United States, at least, find ourselves asking these same kinds of questions, so getting viewers to consider them is a success in and of itself.

Heroism

In the wake of these previously-mentioned factors, people are forced to make a decision: How am I going to respond to the wrongs I see the in world? How am I going to use my influence to make a difference? And without giving away too much of the plot, I’ll simply say that this movie does not shy away from portraying differing answers to this question. And ultimately, the film wants to know, “How does a hero respond?”

But it isn’t simplistic in its portrayal of other points of view, either. As I watched this movie, I saw parallels between the diversity of the characters’ worldviews and the diversity within real-world movements like the civil rights movement in the sixties and Black Lives Matter today. What the film left me with was an even stronger conviction for my view but a greater understanding and sympathy for other views as well. And that makes me want to do better so that I can help rid the world of the factors that lead to the less heroic worldviews in the first place.

Solidarity

Finally and most importantly, the film is a call for solidarity. The whole point of featuring black voices and black experiences is to draw others in and create a sense of unity. When one group suffers, we all suffer. And one when one oppressed group is set free, we’re all set free. Only together can we solve the centuries-long, world-wide problems that have been handed down to us. But we can each take steps to solve those problems, and the Black Panther is an excellent example of that.

A lot of this stuff isn’t new to you. Black Panther is close to my heart because it speaks to things I care about and write about. It touches on a lot of topics that are important to me, and it speaks to them in ways that I never could because of my lack of experience. So if you like reading what I have to say about these topics and want to know what people much more qualified than I am have to say, or if you’re tired of hearing me go on and on about this stuff and need a new perspective, or if you just want to be a better, more informed person, I hope you’ll check Black Panther out. I promise it’ll be worth your time.

Compassion as Intelligence

“If I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge… but do not have love, I am nothing.” —1 Corinthians 13.2

People tell me I’m a fairly smart person. I always make a point to inform them that I don’t deserve the honor, but that doesn’t stop them. They think this about me not because of anything I say or do, but because of some pieces of paper I have hanging on my wall. We tend to associate years in school with intelligence and assume that those who achieve higher degrees in academia must be smarter than everyone else. I’m not sure that we’re on the right track here.

Don’t get me wrong. I love school. I love studying and attaining knowledge about the topics I’m passionate about. That’s why I consider myself a lifelong learner and why I try to alway keep my mind open to new ideas. Study and learning should be admired and rewarded because they do add value to one’s life. They add knowledge, which can lead one to become more intelligent, which is a noble thing to be. But is it really the most important thing?

It’s pretty common knowledge that there are different types of intelligence. Some people are “book smart” while others are more “street smart.” One person might be incredibly gifted with music, but another is a genius at math. I find myself to be skilled with language, but I’m terrible at thinking spatially. (Don’t ask me to be your navigator or your interior decorator.) There are so many different kinds of intelligence that one can have, and it’s great that we recognize and celebrate these various ways that people can be smart. But there’s one type that often goes overlooked.

I believe that the highest form of intelligence human beings can attain is compassion. We don’t usually think of compassion as a form of intelligence, but it really is. It requires understanding people, seeing the world from other points of view, and making decisions based on that information. That’s pretty smart if you ask me. And it has some characteristics that set it apart from any other type of intelligence known to humankind.

Compassion can be applied in every area of a person’s life across their lifespan. It doesn’t matter who you are or what situation you find yourself in: Compassion always comes in handy. Because no matter what you do, you’re going to be doing it with other people. It could be a team of other people or a single partner. Either way, knowing how to connect with people, understand where they’re coming from, and communicate with them in a considerate way will always help you excel. It’s a skill that can be applied anytime and anywhere.

And it can be practiced by anyone. You don’t have to be a savant or a prodigy to be good at treating other people compassionately. You don’t even have to get up from your chair. Compassion is a skill that someone can practice regardless of their physical ability, mental capacity, age, or any other factor. It’s available to each of us if we’re only willing to open ourselves up to it.

It doesn’t require books or classrooms or teachers, either. Compassion isn’t so much something we learn externally as it is something we discover inside of ourselves. We’re each blessed with the God-given ability to love others the way God loves us. It’s in our programming. Learning to practice compassion is actually just unlearning the selfish and prideful ways we’ve learned to approach the world due to our brokenness. Really, compassion is the most natural form of knowledge because each of us already has it in us; we just have to get past all the junk and learn to embrace it again.

And more than anything, compassion has the power to change the world. Science, math, music, literature, language, and all of those other subjects are great, and they have a lot of potential to do good. But none of them come close to the impact that compassion can have on the world. A single act of kindness can change a person’s life. And a bunch of kind acts put together can alter the course of history forever. It can give us and others the ability to live our best lives, find fulfillment, and pass that kindness on to others. And there’s no limit to what that can do.

Compassion can be used anytime, anywhere, by anyone. You don’t need anything special to learn it because it’s already inside of you. And when you choose to practice it, you can influence the world in important, lasting ways. That’s why I think compassion is the highest form of intelligence we humans have available to us.

Throughout my studies, I’ve found that what impacted me the most wasn’t the information that made me smarter; it was the handful of experiences that made me a better person. I could spend my whole life learning every fact there is to know about theology, religion, psychology, and the like, but if it doesn’t change the way I approach the world, then what’s the point? It’s nice to be smart, but it’s a lot nicer to be good. And I think that this is the ultimate goal of education, knowledge, and intelligence in general: to form good people.

So yeah, we should study to learn the sorts of knowledge we traditionally think of when we talk about intelligence. But let’s not limit our understanding of it to that small set of skills. And may we never neglect to value, pursue, and reward compassion, because it’s the most important form of intelligence any of us can attain.