Not Knowing

A couple of weeks ago, I had to take the Dolphin (my beloved car) in to be serviced. The engine was running extra-hot, and when I popped the hood, I noticed that the car was completely out of coolant. There was a leak that I couldn’t identify. And so, I entrusted my keys and my Sonata to a stranger at a local auto shop.

The stress kicked in immediately. I was on edge. It took me a bit of time to realize what the source of my anxiety was, but soon, it became clear that I was worried about my car, and it was having a significant effect on me.

From a strictly objective standpoint, I had nothing to fret over. My wife and I own two cars, and we carpool to work, so we rarely need a second vehicle anyway. The Dolphin is over ten years old, and with over 200,000 miles, it’s definitely given my money’s worth. And it’s not like the thing blew up; it just had a leak. What was the big deal?

It’s easy to think that way in hindsight, but at the time and from my point of view, the situation was much more dire. This car that I had owned for as long as I could drive and that had gotten me everywhere I’d ever needed to go had suddenly stopped working. I couldn’t do anything to fix it, and there was no promise that it would be fixed at all. What if this was the end?

The reality of owning a car in the shape mine’s in is that it’s always one bad problem away from becoming scrap metal. I’m not about to drop half the Sonata’s value into fixing it in hopes that it’ll keep running for a few more years. Katherine and I already have a deal that when the car starts going downhill, we’re not going to spend tons of money fighting it. We’re going to let it drift off peacefully and move on.

Again, this is much easier said out of context. When bidding goodbye to the Dolphin felt like a real possibility, the thought of it was enough to bring me to tears.

The real cause of my stress was not knowing what was going to happen. Was it a simple, inexpensive fix? Would we have to dip into savings? Would I ever see my car again? Or was this the end of the road for the trusty Dolphin? I had no idea how the situation was going to turn out, and that not knowing really got to me.

Human beings have very little tolerance for ambiguity, mystery, and uncertainty. We want to know, we want to know everything, and we want to know it right now. And if someone won’t tell us what we want to hear, we’ll just make it up. That’s how we are. We like to be in the know.

Not knowing something is a recognition of one’s limitations. It puts us in a vulnerable state. And it prevents us from being able to feel in control of what’s happening around us. We don’t like that. Being a control freak, I especially don’t like that.

And so we do everything we can to avoid situations where we don’t know what’s going on. We look up every single question that pops into our minds on Google. We ruminate on things over and over until we think we’ve figured them out. And as I mentioned before, if all else fails, we’ll just make something up. Because to us, any information—even bad information—is better than not knowing.

I haven’t seen the film Dirty Harry, so I have no idea if it’s worth checking out or even worth referencing, but I am familiar with the line, “I gots to know!” I’m sure you are, too. If you don’t know the line, I’m sure you at least understand the sentiment.

It’s the way we go about the world, spinning our minds in circles, frantically flipping through pages, looking for answers around every corner until we practically grab life by the shoulders and scream, “I gots to know!”

But not knowing is a part of life, and anyone who tells you otherwise is either a narcissist or extremely out of touch. There are some thing we have to wait to know, and that can be good for us. It teaches us patience and humility, sometimes even persistence. There are other things we may never know, and that’s just something we have to accept.

We can’t know everything. And if we’re constantly thrown off by the things we don’t know, then we’re never going to find stable ground. There will always be something we wish we knew that we just don’t, and we have to learn to live with that. It’s how we were made, and we can’t have it any other way.

Personally, I’m working on turning the stress of not knowing into something positive. Maybe it’s an opportunity to engage my curiosity and learn something new. Or maybe it’s a sign that I need to redirect my attention to something that is within my control. Not knowing can be the door to something better, and that’s what I’m looking for right now.

In case you’re wondering, my car is fine. It was a minor repair that took less than a day, proving all my fears unjustified. Who could have predicted that?

Of course, there are times when the things we don’t know are much more consequential. When this post publishes, I’ll be in a hospital lobby waiting to hear news about my four-year-old nephew’s heart surgery. In cases like this, the only positive thing not knowing can lead us to is hope, and I know that’s what my family will be doing: believing the best outcome is the one that’s coming.

More often than not, that’s the case with all of life. We get stressed and upset about the things we aren’t sure of, and then they just sort of take care of themselves. If you’re worried about something, big or small, that you don’t know right now, I encourage you to hope for the best. Not knowing isn’t the worst thing; actually, it gives you the freedom to believe that the best thing is right around the corner. And I’d consider that a gift rather than a burden.

Thanks for reading, friends. Let’s talk again soon.

The Next Thing

I’ve been in my position long enough to know how the rhythm of the year goes. Once the temperature outside starts to drop, so does the amount of spare time I have on my schedule. Between big events, seasonal changes, fundraisers, special services, holidays, and everything else going on, the last few months of the year are always the busiest on my calendar. Maybe you can relate.

As you might expect, this busyness can take a bit of a toll on my mental state. Stress is a natural side-effect of having so much going on. And I’ve noticed that during these seasons, I get into a pattern of telling myself, “Once the first of the year comes and things calm down, then it’ll be better.”

This honestly becomes a sort of mantra for me. When I’m feeling particularly overloaded or just not looking forward to the next thing on my agenda, I remind myself that this time will pass, and it calms me down. Keeps me focused. Reminds me that I won’t always feels this way. In short, it helps get me through.

But is that really all I want? To get through this busy time of year? While that may be better than breaking down and falling behind, it doesn’t seem like I should be striving just to get by. To be honest, I want more than that for myself.

I want to thrive in every phase of life, including the ones that might be a little more stressful. And in order to do that, I have to adopt a different kind of attitude than the one that’s worked for me in the past—a better attitude concerning my present circumstances. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do lately.

Instead of looking forward to a time when things are different, I’m instead asking myself, “What can I do to make the most out of the situation I’m in right now?” There is opportunity for learning, growth, and fulfillment even in the midst of pressure and discomfort, but I’ll never find it if I’m only focused on moving on to the next thing

Contentment isn’t found in moving on to some future next step. It can be found right here, right now. And it doesn’t require everything to be perfect; it only requires that I adopt the right attitude and the right approach to the situation I’m in.

The truth is that no phase of life is perfect. So if I’m constantly waiting for the next phase to come and be exactly the way I want it to be, then I’ll always be disappointed. I’ll always be waiting. And that’s not how I want to live my life.

I imagine that’s not how you want to live, either. It’s so natural for us to convince ourselves that if only things will change or if only we’ll wait long enough, our lives will eventually be perfect, and then we’ll be happy. But that’s simply not how it goes.

If we want to find contentment, if we want to grow, if we want to see progress, then we have to start making those things happen here and now. We can’t keep waiting, because the perfect time will never come. The present is the only time we have, and if we choose the right attitude now, we can find everything we need right where we are.

Life isn’t about getting to the next destination; life is about enjoying the journey and making the most of it. That’s what I’m trying to do in this season, and I’d encourage you to do the same.

Maybe you’re really enjoying where you are in life. If so, that’s great! That joy can motivate you to further growth and fulfillment. But even if your life isn’t exactly the way you want it to be right now, you can still find contentment and opportunities where you are.

Who knows? Once you start enjoying the journey, you might just find yourself moving in the direction you want to go. That’s been my experience in the past, and I’m choosing to press on believing it’ll come through for me again in this season. Why don’t you join me and give enjoying the ride a try?

Getting Off-Edge

Let’s face it: Life is stressful. Each of us faces our own unique challenges, but no matter what they are, we all know how it feels to be on-edge. To feel overwhelmed and nervous and tense and anxious all at the same time. You’ve been there, right?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like that feeling. I’ve spent more time in that on-edge headspace than I’d care to admit, which is why I do my best to limit my stressors at any given time.

Skills like planning ahead, managing expectations, and maintaining my mental health have gone a long way towards minimizing stress and keeping me away from the brink of despair. But no amount of preparation can keep us safe forever. No one is immune—certainly not me.

One thing I’ve found is that once I do get on-edge, it’s very difficult for me to back up. Even when the main source of my stress has been dealt with, the side effects linger. I can get on-edge in an instant, but getting off-edge is much more of a process.

It’s important to take the time to do that. Because being stressed all the time is extremely unhealthy and leads us down some dark paths. De-stressing takes time and effort, but I can think of a few reasons why it’s so worth it.

When I’m on-edge, everything seems like a big deal.

In technology, we have a term called “bandwidth.” It’s used to refer to the amount of data a particular channel can handle at one time. Once that channel starts to fill up, it gets to a point where it can’t handle anymore. And if it becomes overloaded, there’s a chance the whole network might just go down.

Just like data channels, each of our brains has a certain amount of bandwidth. We can only handle so much at a time: only so much stress, only so many tasks, and so on. When we’re on-edge, it’s an indication that our bandwidth is full or nearly full, and it doesn’t take much to push us past our breaking point.

There are times when I’ve got a lot on my mind and I think to myself, “I cannot handle one more thing occupying my attention right now.” If in that moment, someone asks me to do something—anything at all, even something really simple—it becomes too much. I can’t handle it. There just isn’t any more bandwidth to spare.

When we’re stressed, even the smallest triggers can set us off. It can be a stubbed toe, a botched food order, or a simple request from a coworker. Most days, it would be no big deal, but when we’re on-edge, everything feels like the end of the world. We aren’t equipped to deal with even the smallest of things because all of our mental energy is focused on our stress. And that’s no way to live.

Functioning in society requires at least a moderate amount of flexibility, the ability to adapt and face challenges. When we’re on-edge, we can’t do that. So rather than pressing on to the next task, we would do better to focus on calming ourselves down and freeing up some bandwidth first. Then, we’ll be better equipped for what!s next.

When I’m on-edge, I can’t do my best work.

It’s true that a reasonable amount of pressure (such as a deadline) can help spur creativity and good work. But if too much pressure is applied to a person, it starts to have an adverse effect. Stressed people don’t put out their best work because they aren’t able to focus on the task at hand.

When I’m on-edge, my stress is constantly in the back of my mind, taking up space and zapping precious mental energy that’s meant to be spent on more important things. I can’t even fully commit myself to fixing whatever’s causing my stress because the stress itself has become a problem. It’s a difficult cycle to break.

We all want to do the best job possible at the things we care about, right? If not, there would be no point in doing them. But in order to do our best, we have to be at our best. And we can’t be at our best if we’re crippled by anxiety.

The sad truth is that there are times when we just have to get things done. And there is no shame in getting something off your plate that is causing you stress. But if we’re always on-edge, moving from one late task to the next, just trying to stay above water, then we’re never going to thrive and make the contributions to the world that we’re meant to.

We can’t live constantly on-edge because if we do, we aren’t living up to all that we can be. Our stressed selves aren’t our best selves, and so we have to find a way to break free.

When I’m on-edge, I can’t be present with those I love.

This is my least favorite side effect of being on-edge. As much as these feelings might affect us, they also have a profound effect on those around us, especially those we’re closest to. They can feel the stress radiating off of us, and we end up creating a difficult environment for those we love.

My biggest issue with stress is the way it pulls me out of the moment when I’m tying to spend time with people. I might be eating dinner with family or just driving home with my wife, and I can’t focus on anything other than the source of my anxiety. I can’t hold a conversation or laugh at a joke or even look someone in the eyes because I’m so absorbed in whatever’s bothering me.

And that’s not how I want to be around my loved ones.

Stress is isolating, and it forces us deeper and deeper into our own heads. If we don’t find a way to escape it, we can eventually get to a point where the only thing we can focus on is our own troubles, even at times when we’re supposed to be focused on other people.

It’s not as simple as turning off a switch. If something’s got me on-edge at work, it doesn’t just stop existing when I leave the office. I carry it with me, even if I don’t want to, and it affects my interactions with the people I care about.

That’s why I have to find ways to back away from the edge, to break away from the anxiety, so that I am free to enjoy time with my wife, my friends, and my family. It’s the only way I’m able to be fully present and give them the time, attention, and care that they deserve.

Getting off-edge isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

I wish there was a one-size-fits-all solution for dealing with these feelings when they come and moving past them. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. It’s a process, and it looks different for everyone.

The good news, though, is that you probably already have some idea of what works for you. You know what calms you down when you’re upset and what relieves you after a long, hard day. For me, it’s journaling and kicking back with my wife and our dog for some TV binging. For you, it might be a hot bath and a good book. Or a night on the town.

Whatever it is that helps you get off-edge, take the time to do it. You’ll feel better, you’ll perform better, and your loved ones will thank you. Isn’t that worth it?

Everyone gets on-edge sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with being there. But there is something wrong with staying there, and that’s why we have to do what it takes to resolve the source of our stress and get ourselves back into a better headspace.

When we’re stressed, we feel weak, scared, and irritable. But once we break free from it, we return to a place of energy, hope, and contentment. That’s the place we want to approach the world from. And that’s the place we can be in if we put in the work to back away from the edge a little bit.

Pet Peeves

Nothing gets under my skin like a bad glitch. When I run into a device that isn’t working the way it’s supposed to, I can’t rest until I figure it out. In my mind, it’s like the technology and I are locked in a heated battle that won’t end until one of us gives up. Either I fix it, or I lose. And I refuse to admit defeat.

Example: When the smart devices at our house start acting up, I drop everything until they’re working properly again. It doesn’t matter what I’m supposed to be doing, what time it is, or how long it takes. I will unplug every outlet, reset every breaker, and update every firmware in that house until my home automations start working perfectly again.

I just can’t stand it when tech doesn’t work properly. It’s one of my quirks, I guess, and not one of my favorite ones. But if you’ve ever seen me offering someone tech support, you know that it’s serious business for me. I take it personally.

Another thing that bothers me—and I promise there’s a point to this—is bad theology. When I hear someone misquote scripture or rattle off some uncritical nonsense with dire theological consequences, I can hardly contain myself. I have to step in and say something. It gets my heart pumping, especially when I hear it coming from someone I care about it. It just irks me.

These are a couple of my pet peeves, and everyone has them. Little things that set us off to the point that we just can’t let go of them. To other people, they may seem trivial, like they don’t matter at all. But to us, they’re of the upmost importance. And they have a profound effect on us.

Usually when we talk about these quirks, it’s in the context of how to minimize them. We see them as a nuisance, as things that keep us from fully enjoying our lives. Even in the midst of bearing down on a technical issue or composing a response to a problematic statement about God, I’m usually thinking in the back of my head, “Why am I doing this again?”

We tend to see pet peeves as a bad thing. But as I’ve been reflecting on them and my experiences with them, I’m starting to think that there might be more to these tendencies than we give them credit for.

Have you ever wondered why we have pet peeves? Where they come from? Or what they might mean? As inconvenient as they are, and as much as we might like to rid ourselves of them, I think that these little quirks of ours might actually have some value.

Here’s what I mean: If something really bothers us that much—to the point that it even has the power to ruin our day—then it must matter to us quite a lot. When you look below the surface, what might seem trivial and petty at first could actually reveal what we value the most. Our pet peeves actually have something to teach us about who we are!

Is it possible that the things that annoy us the most might actually be hints at our passions? Maybe even our callings? I don’t know about you, but when I pay close attention to them, my pet peeves actually stem from some of the things I love the most.

I have a passion for technology. I love to see it used to create beautiful things, bring people together, and make the world a better place. And when things go awry with tech, I get frustrated. But that frustration isn’t actually a bad thing; it’s just the flip side of my passion.

Same with my home. I love our house. It’s my family’s own space, and I’m committed to doing everything I can to make it safe and comfortable. When something’s wrong with it, that really bothers me, not because I’m being too picky, but because I really care. That caring is a good thing.

I think you get the picture here. In a sense, pet peeves are just the flip side of passion. When we love something, we sometimes express that love in different ways. And one of those ways can be frustration when something is wrong with the thing we care about.

Maybe we would do well to see our pet peeves not as things to be avoided, but rather to be examined. When you find yourself getting frustrated by something, ask, “What does it say about me that I care so much about this thing? What can I learn from this?”

That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t keep our frustrations in check. We’re not meant to be disgruntled all the time, after all. But life isn’t always perfect, and when we’re feeling irked, we may as well use it for something positive rather than simply trying to avoid it entirely.

Our pet peeves can teach us important lessons about who we are and what we care about. And if we do the hard work, we can use that information to better pursue our passions and become more better people. That’s what I’m trying to do with my pet peeves, anyway. And I’d invite you to do the same.

What are your pet peeves? And what do you think they tell you about yourself? Whether it’s cars, grammar, design, or something else entirely, I think there’s something we can learn from each of our pet peeves if we only dive into them. I’d love to start that process together if you’d like to reach out.

That’s all I’ve got for this week, friends. Thanks for listening to me vent. I hope you found it helpful, too. And I hope to see you back here at the same time next week. Until then!

What I Love About Home

Hey, friends! Between family vacation and a work retreat, I’ve been traveling a lot the past few weeks, and that’s left me with a bad case of homesickness. Even now that I’m starting to settle back in, I still find myself yearning for that at-home feeling. Have you ever been there?

I’ve always seen this blog as a place to share what’s on my mind, and lately, what’s been on my mind is home. Specifically, I’ve been reflecting on all of the things I love about it. So that’s what I’ve got for you this week: a list of my favorite things about this place I call home. Here we go.

1. Home is where my dog is: cuddles, walks, shedding, slobber, play time, and all.

2. Home is where Katherine and I can fully relax, fully be ourselves, and fully spend time just the two of us.

3. Home is where my bed is. My comfortable, wonderful bed.

4. Home is where my friends can visit anytime and just catch up.

5. Home is where I have a stable internet connection at all times.

6. Home is where I can work in my office with my awesome coworkers and all of the gadgets and toys I’ve collected.

7. Home is where I don’t have to worry about my phone battery because I’ve always got a charger within arm’s reach.

8. Home is where my closet is. So many clothes and shoes to choose from!

9. Home is where I don’t need a GPS to get around.

10. Home is where my family and I can sit down for a lively meal whenever we want.

11. Home is where I don’t need shoes to run out into the backyard and enjoy the weather for a minute.

12. Home is where I can get into my regular routine and stay there. It’s where I can know, to a reasonable degree, what to expect out of every day.

I could go on, but I’ll spare you

They say you don’t truly appreciate something until it’s gone. I’ve found that to be true myself. I think that the things I’ve missed the most about home while I’ve been away are the things that truly make it “home” for me. And I’ve noticed a few recurring themes.

Of course, the people are what I miss the most. (I’m obviously including Winter in the people category.) The most important thing about home will always be my family and friends. Without them, it wouldn’t mean a thing.

But I think the second most important aspect of home is familiarity. I like home because it’s what I’m used to. Home is my regular routine, my regular eating places, my regular pillow. New experiences are great for a short time, but I’ll always trade novelty for the safety and security of home.

And then there’s an element that I hadn’t really thought about before: control. Being away from home means entering spaces that aren’t mine and relying on other people in ways I usually don’t have to. Something as simple as being able to drive from one place to another is a luxury I enjoy at home but not everywhere else. Home is a place I can make my own, and that’s something I’m learning to cherish more and more.

The question of what “home” means is one that’s fascinated me for a long time. I’ve always known it’s more than a place, but I’ve never been able to pinpoint what exactly it is. Being away for a little while has helped me get some glimpses of what home means, but as with anything, I’m sure there’s more to it than I can see.

So I’ll ask you: What does home mean to you? What do you love most about home that you can’t get anywhere else? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Whatever home means, I’m happy to be here. It’s my favorite place, and as Dorothy said, there’s no place like it. In addition to some wonderful experiences, my travels have given me a deeper appreciation for home that I won’t soon forget. Here’s to lots more time enjoying it.

Thanks for reading, friends! I’ll see you next week.