Experiments

I recently decided to change up my texting habits. Instead of typing with proper capitalization and punctuation like I usually do, I turned off the auto-caps feature on my phone and stopped putting periods at the end of my messages. I was hoping that this would give off a more cool and casual vibe in my day-to-day interactions, but that turned out not to be the case.

It actually had quite the opposite effect. My friends, and especially my wife, were immediately thrown off by the change and wondered if something was wrong, either with me or with my phone. When I assured them that everything was fine and told them what I was doing, they just sort of laughed and begrudgingly went along with it. I could tell they thought it was weird.

And so, my experiment lasted all of a day. Soon, I was going back into my phone’s settings and putting everything back to normal. I’ve returned to my proper form of texting once again. And I have to say that it was the right move.

If you’re like me, you sometimes grapple with the “What if?” questions of life. Some you’re able to test out: “What if I communicated differently over text?” Others you can’t: “What if I had studied a different major in college?” Others are just plain silly: “What if I took up bodybuilding? Or hibachi cooking?” Regardless, they come up from time to time, and it isn’t always easy to know what to do with them.

Sometimes, these question come from a place of regret. You wish you had done something differently in the past, and you wonder if your life would have turned out differently if you had made a better choice. I personally find regret an unhelpful emotion most of the time, and so I don’t dwell on it on the rare occasions it comes around. Regret can teach us to make better decisions going forward, but that’s really all it has to offer.

These question also might stem from aspiration. For one reason or another, you want your life to be different in some way. Maybe you want to be seen as more relatable, like I did. Or maybe you just want to get better at a skill or try something completely new. That desire, big or small, for things to be different can lead to a lot of “What if?” questions.

Most of my “What if?” questions, though, are really just a byproduct of curiosity. I’m a ruminator, and so my mind is constantly spinning. I’m also very interested in efficiency and productivity, and so I’m always thinking up ways I could do my everyday tasks differently and wondering if they might work. If you’re the curious type, you probably deal with lots of those kinds of questions, too.

So what do we do with all of these “What if?” questions that come up? It’s not like you can try out every one of them out with no consequences. You can’t A/B test your life, as much as that might be. Is there a way to satisfy those “What if?” question while staying realistic? I’d like to think so.

If those questions deal with your past, the best thing to do is to simply let them go. We can’t change history; we can only learn from it. That’s why dwelling on regret and the questions of how things could have turned out differently isn’t productive.

But if you choose to learn from the past and the questions that have arisen from it, maybe you can do differently going forward and create less of those questions for yourself in the future. That’s not regret, though. That’s growth, and it’s something we should each aspire to.

There are other “What if?” questions that we can learn from, too. Specifically the ones that are out of our reach to try out. If you find yourself constantly daydreaming about what life would be like as a professional athlete but that career path is out of your reach, maybe dig a little deeper into that question. What is it you’re really wondering about?

Often, our questions have layers, and as we peel back those layers, we can learn more about what we’re looking for. Do you want a sense of achievement? A community? Or maybe just some good, old-fashioned time outside having fun? Our questions have a lot to teach us about who we are and what we desire, so we shouldn’t be afraid to investigate them.

And of course, there are the “What if?” questions that you can try out. Some will be utter disasters, like my texting experiment. But others might turn out to be really meaningful. If you have a “What if?” question that you feel is worth testing and won’t cause unnecessary harm, you should go for it. You never know what you might gain by trying something new. It could be a hobby, a friendship, a talent, maybe even a career. You won’t know until you try.

Some people see “What if?” questions as a plague, something that weighs them down and makes them dream of another life. But I think of them as opportunities—opportunities to learn, opportunities to grow, and opportunities to try new things. All of that sounds positive to me, and that’s why I don’t shy away from questions like these in my own life.

Do you have some “What if?” questions of your own that are worth exploring? Maybe it’s time to dive in deep on some those, or even to start an experiment or two. One of the most exciting things about life is that it’s yours to make into what you want it to be. So what are you going to try first?

Making Space for Differently Abled Individuals in the Church →

Heather Avis, mother of two children with Down syndrome and author of Scoot Over and Make Room, wrote an article over on The Week about the relationship between churches and families with special needs. In it, she shares her own struggles with finding a place for her kids in the church and argues that it’s the church’s duty to find ways to include those who are differently abled.

As I've raised my kids and fought for an equitable space in this world for them, I have often found myself disappointed with the Church and its lack of inclusive practices. And I'm not alone. I've met countless other parents who have stopped going to church once they had a child with a different ability. The environment was just too difficult for their child to navigate and they did not feel welcomed anymore. Christian churches must do a better job.

Our society as a whole makes little to no room for people with special needs, and unfortunately, the church isn’t doing much better. When those with disabilities, especially children, walk into our sanctuaries, they often feel overwhelmed and unwelcome. Sometimes even unwanted. And that is simply unacceptable.

The good news of Jesus Christ is for everyone, and part of that gospel is that every single person is created in the image of and loved by God. If the community of faith can’t create space for some of the most vulnerable and overlooked people in our society to hear and be transformed by that message, then what are we even doing?

I don’t think it’s that churches don’t care about people with special needs. It’s just that creating space for them is inconvenient and often, churches often decide that being inclusive simply isn’t worth the inconvenience. This should not be so. It’s our responsibility to love and create space for everyone, even when it’s not easy.

And when we do, I think we’ll find our communities enriched by these people who suddenly find themselves included. They have access to skills and insights that neurotypical and physically capable individuals simply don’t have. The church needs these people if we’re going to be all that we’re called to be and reach the world with God’s love.

What does inclusivity look like in practice? That’s something I’m trying to learn about myself. We should be listening to experts like Avis and taking seriously what they have to say as we grapple with this question. Part of it is simply getting educated and learning how to speak on these topics. And of course, pastors and volunteers need training so that we can be prepared for new scenarios that will inevitably arise. That means it’s going to take time, money, and effort, all of which would be well spent.

Whatever form the solutions may take, it’s clear that something must be done. We can’t ignore the issue any longer. We can’t exclude these people any longer. Now that we know better, we need to do better. Will you commit to being an agent of change on this issue in your church?

Hot Takes

If you’ve spent any time whatsoever online over the past couple of years, you’ve probably come across someone dishing out their “hot take” on a given topic. Whether it be a tweetstorm, a selfie video rant, a screenshot from the Notes app, or a Facebook post so long that you have to hit the “Read More” button twice, these hot takes are everywhere. And boy are they hot.

For those who don’t know, a hot take is basically just an individual’s gut reaction to something. Raw, unfiltered, and often uncensored. These takes—or perspectives, if you rather—are hot because they’re both fiery and fresh. Without much consideration or planning, people simply throw their two cents’ worth out onto the internet, emotions and all.

This has always been part of the appeal of social media, right? Everyone gets a voice. If you have something to say, you can say it, and no one can stop you. But I‘ve noticed that practices like spilling tea (sharing the latest gossip) and dishing hot takes have become more prominent online as of late, even going viral, and it makes me wonder why.

I think that as our society has become more divided, it’s pushed us to highlight and value more and more extreme views and reactions. We want the content we take in to match the levels of outrage and discomfort that we ourselves feel. So even if we aren’t bold enough to share our own hot takes, we’re more than willing to seek out and share those that align with our views. We’ve all done it at some point.

Hot takes are also just more entertaining. Thoughtfulness and data aren’t as much fun as bold declarations and drama. People like to know what others think without filters or masks. So of course we’re going to tend towards the things that most catch our attention; that’s human nature.

But I wonder if dishing and taking in such hot takes all of the time is really good for us. Sure, they’re fun, and it feels good to know that there are people out there who have the same gut feelings that we do. But is that really what we need to hear all of the time?

We all react to situations with our emotions first. But then we go through the process of considering and filtering those emotions before forming a real opinion and speaking out. The truth is that decent people don’t fully agree with our their unfiltered gut reactions most of the time, and that’s why it’s usually best to take a breath before we speak.

Sharing and praising these hot takes can encourage people to skip the process of consideration altogether and go straight to speaking out. And once their opinion is out, they have to choose one of two options once they’ve calmed down: They can apologize and take back what they said, admitting that it came from an emotional place rather than a rational one; or they can double down on it, claiming that it really is how they feel. Often, they choose the latter.

And this doubling down on our most emotional of reactions leads to the normalization of what were once thought to be radical, even unacceptable, ideas. We become desensitized to just how harmful and irrational these ways of thinking can be because everyone seems to be doing it. It’s the new standard. So what’s the big deal?

The big deal is that when we’re relying on our emotions to process information, we aren’t being our best selves. We don’t make the best decisions. We approach the world from a place of fear rather than a place of compassion, and we think only of our own self-preservation. And that’s simply no way to live.

If we’re going to do our part to make the world a better place for everyone, we have to be willing to move past the easy hot takes and do the hard work of looking at the world from multiple angles, including those of people we disagree with. We can’t get sucked into bubbles and echo chambers, nor can we be content with simply shouting our views at the “other side” and refusing to listen to what anyone else has to say. That’s hot take culture, and it won’t get us anywhere.

Consideration. Processing. Listening. Caring. These are skills that help us move past the hot takes and into a place where we really can enact change. And I hope that these are skills we can all work on ourselves and share with others so that we can change the tide of the conversation around us.

One place you won’t find many hot takes is right here on this blog. I like to joke that I dish out “cold takes” here because my posts are deeply considered over a good bit of time. Rarely do I comment directly on current events in this space because I don’t think that’s the best way to use this platform for the greater good. So if you’re into hot takes, I’m sorry, but that’s not really what I’m about here.

That’s not to say that hot takes are completely devoid of value. There is certainly something to be said for having passion and commitment to one’s beliefs. But I think the real change-makers are those who can channel that passion into rational, actionable plans and communicate those plans intelligently to like-minded people. Yelling on the internet never changed anything for the better, but that same passion can be put to good use if one chooses to do so.

I’d even go so far as to say that there is room for righteous anger in the face of true sin and evil. Sometimes, we are morally compelled to speak out. But I think that clear-cut situations like those are fewer and further between than most people people’s hot takes. And I’m hesitant to ever say that my reactions to any given situation are true, pure righteous anger because I’m not perfect, and my emotions are usually selfish, not concerned with the welling of others. I’d venture to say that’s true of most people.

For the most part, I’d say it’s best to leave the hot takes behind us. We’re better, more compassionate people than our emotions alone allow us to be. So let’s practice compassion and consideration before we speak. When we do, I think we’ll find that our well thought-out words and deeds will actually have a far greater impact than our hot takes ever could.

New Ways to Experience the Blog

Hey, friends! I’m in Cincinnati, OH, for a conference this week, so I don’t have a full-blown blog post for you. Instead, I’ve got a couple of updates to the website that I think you’re going to enjoy. I know I’m pretty excited about them.

The first is a new way of keeping up with the latest blog posts. Most people find these articles through my social channels, but not everyone uses social media on the regular. So now, I’m happy to offer you the option to subscribe to the blog via email!

If you follow that link (also always available in the Blog section at the top of the page) and sign up, you’ll receive the full content of each post straight to your inbox every time there’s something new to read. Subscribe once and never have to worry about missing an article again. What could be more convenient than that?

The second new addition is the archive page. I made this one more out of my own curiosity than anything. Because I’ve switched writing apps several times over the years and haven’t always done the best job of backing up my data, a lot of my writing lives exclusively on this site. There’s no other way to access it. And there really hasn’t been a good way to go back and find blog posts more than a few months old until today.

Now, you can access every article I’ve ever published on this site all in one place. Simply click the Archive link, and you’ll be greeted with a list of every post available here, and there are a lot! They take many forms and span a broad array of topics, but I’m excited to share every single one of them with you in this new way. And if you’re looking for a blog post but can’t remember its name or date, you can simply type a key word or phrase in the archive’s search bar and receive instant results!

These two new methods of experiencing the blog make it more accessible than ever, and I hope that they’ll enable more people to discover the work that we’re doing here. So check the pages out, take full advantage of them, and maybe even share them with your friends if you feel so inclined.

I’d like to thank my group of supporters who took the time to test out these new features and offer feedback before I released them to the public. If you’re interested in getting sneak peeks and testing out new things in the future, head over to the campaign and consider joining. We’d love to have you onboard!

That’s all for this week. Thanks so much for reading and giving these new features a try. Have a great week, and I’ll talk to you when I get back from my trip!

Am I Doing Enough?

Journaling is one of those things that I’ve always known I needed to do but rarely set aside the time for. Recently, I picked up the practice and have found it really helpful for processing my thoughts and winding down at the end of the day. One benefit of journaling is that you can read back through your entries and identify patterns in your thinking that you may not have been aware of before.

The pattern that I’m noticing in my own mind is a constant rumination over the question of whether or not I’m getting enough done. As a task-oriented person, I get a good deal of joy out of crossing items off of my to-do list. But often, I look over my list at the end of the day, see all the things I have left to do, and wonder, “Did I do enough today?”

If I’m being honest, the answer usually feels like a no. The fact that I’m asking the question at all means that I’m doubting myself and my accomplishments enough to at least consider that they’re insufficient. And the recurring nature of the question indicates an unresolved pattern. It actually feels less like, “Am I doing enough?” and more like, “I’m not doing enough.”

The funny thing is that I actually do a lot in a given day. Between staying on top of my ministry work, taking care of things at home, working with clients on my side hustles, and writing for this blog, I get quite a bit done each and every day. I have to if I want to avoid getting behind, something I’ve actually been successful at. I’m not drowning or failing; I’m actually doing quite well. So why do I keep questioning it?

I have to imagine I’m not alone, even if it’s just to make myself feel better. Maybe I’m the only one suffering form this neurosis, but in case I’m not, I thought it might be a good topic to write about. Because feeling like you aren’t doing enough isn’t any fun, and I’ve been thinking a lot about where that struggle comes from.

If you grapple with this question yourself, or know someone who does, this one’s for you. Here’s why I think we struggle so much to feel like we’re doing enough.

Life is demanding.

One of my favorite lines from Boy Meets World is the response Eric Matthews gives his younger brother Cory one day when he comes home complaining about his many woes. Eric hears Cory out, pauses thoughtfully, and then suddenly smacks Cory on the head yelling, “Life’s tough; get a helmet!”

That line has stuck with me since I first heard it as a kid. And although it’s meant to be humorous, there’s also an element of truth to it. One of the realities we learn when we become adults is that life is hard for each of us in different ways (and, admittedly, to different degrees). We each have our burdens to bear, and they can get to the point where they really weigh on us.

We each experience external pressures as we navigate the world. Maybe it’s a boss who’s always on your case. Or a significant other needing more of your time and attention. Or the bills piling up on your table with due dates approaching like ticking time bombs. Whatever it is, we feel that pressure pushing in on us day in and day out. And it’s a lot.

They say that life is more demanding now than it used to be. I can’t say for sure because I’m young, so this is all I’ve ever known. But I do know that we work more days out of the year than medieval peasants did. And that anxiety is on the rise. And that our schedules (and our kids’ schedules) are fuller than they’ve ever been. And that just making enough money to survive—let alone thrive—is getting harder and harder to do.

Life asks a lot of us. We each spend the majority of our days just trying to do enough to keep life at bay. And when those demands get to be too much, it can make us feel like we aren’t doing enough.

We are way too hard on ourselves.

But it isn’t just life that demands a lot of us. We demand a lot of ourselves, and that contributes to this feeling, too.

When I was in kindergarten, I brought home my first report card. I showed it to my parents, and they were thrilled to find that I was doing well in school. But I was displeased. When they asked me why I was upset, I responded, “The card has all A’s on it. I wanted A+’s.”

If you think I’ve let up on myself even a little bit since I was five years old, you would be mistaken. No matter what I’m doing, I push myself to be not only the best that I can be, but simply the best. In my mind, if I’m not absolutely excelling at something, I’m not doing well enough.

We talked earlier about that external pressure we feel and the way that it contributes to our feelings of inadequacy. But often, the pressure we feel isn’t coming from other people, or even from life circumstances. It’s coming from us. We take that pressure the world throws at us, and we internalize it. We put it on ourselves.

No one else has to remind you that you’re behind on that project at work, or that you’re $30 short on your electric bill, or that you haven’t visited your sister in three weeks. You remind yourself of that, constantly and relentlessly. You beat yourself up about it because you think that’s going to help you improve. But the truth is that it does just the opposite.

When we put too much pressure on ourselves, we eventually crumble under the sheer weight of it all. Life is going to be stressful no matter what we do, but if we compound that problem by depriving ourselves of internal peace, we severely limit our chances of success. Our attitudes, outlooks, and self-concepts are key to overcoming the obstacles we face in life. If they’re not positive, how can we be?

We don’t know when to say, “Enough is enough.”

You know how people say, “Never take your work home with you”? Yeah, I’m no good at that. My brain doesn’t have compartments. It is just one giant ball of tasks, questions, goals, reflections, dreams, and obscure pop culture references. I don’t know how to turn it off, and it never seems satisfied.

In school, we’re taught the very helpful concept of a “stopping point.” You work until you get to a place where you’ve accomplished a significant amount and can easily pick it up again later, and then you stop. That way, you walk away feeling successful and don’t have to worry about it again until later.

I wonder if we’d do well to re-learn the stopping point concept and apply it in our everyday lives. Is it possible that we can simultaneously give ourselves credit for what we’ve done and acknowledge that there’s more we need to do later? It worked for us in school. Why not life in general?

I understand that it’s hard. Deadlines are always looming. And our brains don’t want to stop in the middle of a task; they want to follow it through. But what if the stopping point is the end of the task and the rest—the next task—can wait until tomorrow? Could that simple reframing possibly be enough to put our minds at ease?

How much more would we be able to enjoy our time with our loved ones if we weren’t constantly thinking about the next thing we need to get done at work? Would we sleep deeper if we didn’t have to go through the mental checklist every night before drifting off? And could our work actually be improved if we approached it with fresh eyes each day rather than never getting any mental time away from it? I think it’s very possible.

I’m still working through all of this and trying to get better at it myself. But I do know this: When I give myself credit for my accomplishments and create stopping points to separate my work from the rest of my life, I breathe a little easier. I’m more present with my family. I’m happier. Because I’m not constantly worrying that I haven’t done enough.

So if you’re struggling with this, too, here’s my suggestion: Stop reading this blog and get back to work. And once you get to a logical stopping point, stop. Breathe. Tell yourself, “I have done enough.” And walk way, putting it out of your mind until it’s time to actually start the work again. You won’t believe what a difference these small steps can make.

No one can do it all. For some of us, it never feels like we’re doing enough. But the truth is that we are, and we would do well to internalize that truth. It’s the only way we’ll be able to perform our best and be fully present with those we love in times of recreation and rest. I’m doing my best to internalize that truth in my life, and I hope you will, too.

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Thanks for reading this week’s article! If you struggle with feeling like you’re doing enough, I’d be interested to hear what you’re doing to overcome that. And if you found anything I said this week to be helpful in your own process, I’d love to know! That’s what this space is all about.

Shoutout to my wonderful supporters who help make this possible. If you’d like to support the site, you can share this article with a friend and consider making a monthly pledge to help out financially. It really makes a difference, and I appreciate your consideration. I’ll see you again soon!